to my ex-husband's someday wife: 3 things i want you to know
Dear Friend,
May I first say how happy and relieved I am to be able to call you "friend". Sometimes the culture we live in sets us up as woman to tear each other down, especially in our precarious "ex-wife" and "future wife" roles. This world may set us up for animosity, but I am so thrilled we have been able to blaze our own path. I feel like we know each other well in some ways; and yet, don't know each other at all in others. I guess the latter comes with time and intentionality.
There are a few things I have wanted to say to you for a while as it has been almost 3 years you have been with Wayne and for all practical purposes have assumed the "step mom" role with Austin and Ella. I am sure you have heard how he and I had our ups and downs since we divorced. Friends, enemies, apathetic, and hopefully now more friendly. I suspect you and your ex-husband will move through many phases as well-especially when you are both remarried. As we've talked about, divorce in and of itself is so yucky; but once it is at your doorstep, it is also a lot about what you make of it.
1) The 3 Sides
Let me start with a story that, for me, triggered a spiral of confusion. One day in Fall of 2012, Wayne and I had one of our last conversations to date regarding our relationship. It was just about a year after the divorce was final and he was getting serious in dating someone at the time. She did not like that he and I were still friends and saw our interaction as me potentially still being a threat to her.
That day, I said to Wayne,"Why would she see me as a threat? If she knows how everything went down between us, she would know there is no chance of that being something I would want." He replied by giving me a rundown of how he saw the divorce having occurred. Instantly, I was in tears. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was, from my perspective, as if he had rewritten history. I didn't know what to say or if I should say anything. Why argue? I mean, I lived it..it isn't as though he could tell me what happened when I was there for it all. I am not totally sure what I said other than being visibly upset by it. In retrospect, I wish I had said nothing in reply.
This event set off a thought that insidiously lodged itself in my brain for over 3 years. The thought was: "I wonder if the woman Wayne eventually marries has any idea what I went through in our almost 11 years of marriage or what actually happened in our divorce?"
So, pausing right there-don't get worried that this letter is a vehicle for me to air those details of the past. However, it is asking that question in my brain over and over that led me to some good stuff...and details of the good stuff I most definitely do want to share with you today.
You've probably heard it said that there are 3 sides to every story: Yours, Theirs and the truth. Life is so much about perspective. It's also so much about what we do when things happen to us that are out of our hands. I know you know that all too well...and I so wish for your sake that you didn't.
What could be accomplished by you, his future wife, knowing specifics? Would the twinge of justice I might momentarily feel having shared my version of it all outweigh the irrationality of thinking it is a good idea in the first place? Is my chewing on this for so long an indication that I still had some forgiving to do? If I am 100% looking forward to you two tying the knot, why would I do or say anything that would even potentially rock the boat anyway??
2) My Epiphany
Epiphany (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure
This moment came for me when I was thinking about my now husband and his ex-girlfriend, also the mother of his son. I decided for a second to put the shoe on the other foot and think about this scenario: How would I feel if his ex sat me down and recounted all of the ways she had been hurt by him? Suffice it to say, they dated when he was right out of the Air Force and he describes himself then as a total mess.
Why am I willing to excuse all of my husband's past mistakes? Because I know him NOW! He is not who he was. He has owned his many mistakes and he has made every effort to learn from them. I realized that there would be no benefit to talking to his ex for her to recount the past because it now was pretty much irrelevant.
So too would it be for me to do that to you. It looks to me to be a lot about timing. I feel like I have the best version (though we are all works in progress) of my husband and am thankful to have not been his partner back in the day. Though I really don't know Wayne anymore apart from the kids, I know you love him very very much. I can only read into your relationship that perhaps a similar thing happened? He had his rougher patches attempting to do a relationship well with me and now he is walking in the things he has learned since. My hope is that you experience the fullness of the best version of Wayne, now and in years to come.
3) Going Forward
Someday, not so long down the road, we will officially be family. We have been unofficially for a while now. Someday, not so long down the road, our kids will have more memories that come to mind of life as it is now than the way it used to be.
You being a mom and knowing how to do that well makes such a difference in our equation. You being an overall kind and thoughtful person most definitely does too.
There are times I fear I overstepped my bounds. In the past I still tried to be friends with Wayne to which he stopped replying to any texts that didn't have to do with the kids soon after the two of you began dating. I had to do some soul searching on why that was sad to me and I recently think I figured that out.
I had, at some point, long ago bestowed upon myself the responsibility of Wayne's relationship with God. If he was struggling, I was going to send him encouragement in the form of thoughts, quotes, songs, etc. I now get that I may have been getting in the way of the Holy Spirit (the only true changer of hearts). I also may have made you uncomfortable if my actions ever led you to mistakenly think I had feelings for Wayne. I should have stopped the moment he made it clear I was the only one still hoping to know each other not just as parents, but as people. My actions, though well meaning, were misguided.
There will always be opportunities for us to believe the best about each other. There will always be opportunities to irritate each other (how one house does it vs. the other). Co-parenting with an ex, as you know, takes thick skin, good communication and a determination to never stop doing what is best for the kids. I am thankful for you as you make co-parenting more enjoyable, more doable, and I look forward to carving out what our relationship will look like. Only we get to choose what it looks like. As we know, cooler heads prevail and we are two cool mamacitas.
Glad to know you.
Sincerely,
Alexis