my testimony
Come sit by me. I have a story to tell you.
“Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him..” Big Daddy Weave
Listen to MY STORY By Big Daddy Weave
I grew up thinking that church was church and the rest of life was mine. I was baptized as a baby, confirmed at 13, a youth leader throughout high school, and seldom missed a Sunday.
I was preoccupied with looks, buying things, and kissing boys-much like everyone else I knew. The world was there to serve me, make me happy, and just so I tried to be a "good person" (or as good or better than others around me), I was on track.
Sometime in high school, I began to wish for more. I began to see how meaningless it all was. What was more-I wanted love that no teenage relationship was going to give me and it tore me up. Pieces of my heart left behind after every broken heart, I could no longer pretend it didn’t hurt. I was becoming fragile and dissatisfied with life.
Never thought to crack a bible, never discussed God with friends. Jesus wasn’t even on the radar, even though I attended a church every Sunday and would have considered myself a “Christian”.
In college, I would go to my Campus Crusade for Christ meeting or dorm bible study and then go out partying until 4am (if I came home). Not to say that partying is the ultimate evil, by any means; but back then, it was an indicator of the state of my heart. Of Jesus not being much more than a magic fairy who grants my wishes or comforts me when afraid or in need.
My “spiritual life” dead-ended with the head knowledge of Jesus and my heart had not yet been transformed. I didn’t even know that was possible. I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
God was a hobby of sorts. When I went to church or bible study, I felt good about myself. I felt like I was probably in better standing with God when I did these things. But the outward focused brand of religion I had encountered thus far was breeding emptiness and I felt wounded from all that I had been through relationally up to that point. I loved with everything I was and left myself open multiple times to be betrayed, to be taken for granted, and to be valued more for what I looked like than who I was.
One night at a coffee shop, not long after a traumatic break-up (with an oh so adorable drummer boyfriend in a local Austin band) Freshman year at UT Austin, a good friend challenged me to tell her about when it was that I had made the decision to commit my life to Christ. After giving her a rundown of my spiritual resumè (baptism, youth leader,etc), she repeated the question-not satisfied that I had truly answered her question.
I got quiet (which most of you know is a rarity) and realized I had no answer to that question-and at that point-may have not known how huge this question would impact the trajectory of my life.
Up to that point, I was comfortably sitting on the throne in the center of my life. I reigned, ruled, called the shots and asked questions later. Not until that moment did I realize that all of my life I had been sittin' in this chair sayin': "Umm yeah, God, uh huh, yeah sooo I know you are out there, but I know better than you. Thank you, please leave all of your blessings at the door. Don't call me, I'll call you when or if I need you again. Buhhh to the bye."
That night a new life, new chapter-whatever you want to call it-began. (And, I stress here, that this was ONLY a beginning since praying one prayer to Jesus does not equal a transformed life). Life with me at the center, gone. Adventure officially in effect! This was a spiritual awakening of which I have been putting one foot in front of the other. Discovering more as I go. Taking it day to day ever since.
It has been marked with some phases thus far:
The overzealous new Christian who wanted to use “Christian-ese” all.the.time (i.e-"being convicted" about something, "quiet time","walking with the Lord", telling everyone I would pray for them, talking about his “grace”, “mercy” and “sanctification” as if those were words everyone was chewing on like I was). I tended to insulate myself with other Christians in a nice, happy bubble and become out of touch with the rest of the world. In short, I was a baby Christian and didn't know any better.
Then there was the “been there, done that, I know it all” phase where self-righteousness reigned. I had it all figured out and concentrated on pointing fingers at all the problems with "the world." I was defined by what I did/did not do and was prideful about both. I had so consumed myself with Christian organizations, churches, mission trips, radio, music, books, that I had an over-confidence about all I had learned in such a short time. You could say I had religion-with a little bit of Jesus sprinkled in here and there. Just so I had everything checked off my moral “To Do” list, I was like "peas and carrots" with the Lord. There was definite growth, but I was far from understanding that head knowledge did not equal actually trusting God in my daily life. I was far from spiritually mature.
The early phases have morphed many times over through these 22 years since that night in my Freshman dorm when I first told God he mattered most in my life. My life now is more characterized by the great realization of God’s unconditional love and my part in His story.
Growing as a daughter, a sister, a mom, a friend, a wife, and yes, even the very unexpected role of ex-wife and step mom, has been a result of how I have grown in my relationship with God. I know I will never reach some imaginary spiritual plateau where I have somehow arrived, have got all the answers or have got it all together. As I have grown, I have been knocked out of complacency and self-focus into a desire to show love, empathy and kindness to the diverse types of people around me-all backgrounds and all stages of personal growth. This love does not depend on race, political affiliation, background or if we agree in every area. In fact, as I have walked into who God made me to be, it has affected absolutely every area of my life since that day back in 1998.
Time and time again, it has come back to this: God is trustworthy. I didn’t truly get that until I leaned hard on Him with all the good, bad and the ugly-with all my anxieties, fears and uncertainties-and saw that He could and would hold me up. When I leaned in, He had me. Trusting God as a way of life frees me up to live life with an open heart, an open mind and a genuine appreciation of each day as a gift. Learning to trust Him also brings me into a deeper understanding of and connection to His Spirit. This Spirit shows me how to shine a light in dark places. This Spirit gives me words and ways to comfort the hurting around me. This Spirit propels me as I continue to listen and learn to “press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” (Philippians 3:12).