apologies not accepted

I had an “Apology Epiphany” when I watched the film adaptation of Lois Lowry's novel THE GIVER and I knew I had to share it!

In the movie, people must use "precision of language" which breeds an atmosphere where people are constantly apologizing and saying "I accept your apology" to each other in a robotic tone that totally drains the language of meaning. Of all the implications of this 1984-esque storyline, I found that this little tidbit stuck with me the most...but WHY??!

As I began to process, something in my mind clicked into place.

How often, especially us lovely lady folk, do we apologize for ridiculous reasons? Our thoughts go something like:

When we start to cry, we apologize.

When we gain a little weight, maybe we apologize by beating others to the punch and cracking a self-deprecating joke about ourselves.

When we own something nice, we feel the need sometimes to apologize by minimizing it.

When we know God speaks clearly about a controversial topic in the Bible, yet we apologize by watering it down to be accepted, seem more tolerant, to avoid offending others.

When we have people over for dinner, we apologize for the cleanliness level of our home and how well we feel the food did/didn't taste.

When we share a problem or issue, we apologize for taking up someone's time.

When we say,”No.”, for good reasons, yet we feel obligated to apologize profusely instead of it being ok to leave it at that. 

Shee-ooot, when we encounter things we have no control over, then we apologize as if we did! Lol.

For me, I can identify with nearly all examples mentioned above. In fact, I saw this madness seeping into a fabulously dysfunctional area of my life in recent years.

For a long time, my parents came out West from St.Louis to visit right after Christmas . As their visit was approaching each year, my brain was drifting to thoughts of what parts of my lifestyle, parenting choices, opinions and habits, in general, are different than theirs.  I realized something oh so intriguing: My mind automatically went to what excuses or explanations I would give for each of these differences.  In other words, how would I best apologize for how I do life differently?

 Next thought: Are these apologetic excuses (that pretty much show I am choosing to be on the defensive before anything has even been said to me) accomplishing anything good? Is this preemptive apology mentality necessary?  Is there another way?

Boom..“Apology Epiphany”

If I am comfortable in my skin, comfortable in who I am, comfortable in my strengths and the ways I am totally jacked up as well, why do I do this?

When I peeled back the layers to really think on this, I realized how these waters actually run a bit deeper than I thought. While there will no doubt be times where the right thing for me to do is apologize for making a mistake or genuinely hurting someone’s feelings, there has to be a healthy boundary line drawn between owning my missteps and being willing to step into the often uncomfortable space of being different and that being ok.

Figuring out what that looks like in each of our lives could be HUGE-in our relationships with family, extended family, as well as, in our co-workers and friendships.

Each time we choose to own our authentic selves, imperfect and in process, it could lift weight from us we’d never known we had been carrying around. You never know-it could even inspire those around us to see that they don’t have to live their life apologizing for being themselves, apologizing because they are not meeting someone else’s expectations.

“I keep my dirt on the surface so you don't gotta dig.

The people that make me nervous try to hide all their sins.

And I've got no reason to cover my tracks.

The best part of learning is just loving where you're at.”

Singer/Songwriter Allen Stone

Listen to “Love Where You’re At”