a letter to all moms feeling stuck in the covid spotlight this winter
Dearest friend,
I want to begin with a hug. The kind where you linger for a bit realizing that you have both just made it through a harrowing, sometimes frightening experience. Time pauses as the embrace leaves no question in our minds: We have much to catch up on!
I’m going to put some nerdy headings in this letter because I feel like it might make it easier to read and I know you don’t have a ton of time. This letter is a blend of some thoughts on this past year and a few suggestions to help make it through the holidays with a healthy headspace, taken from a talk I gave in November 2019. So if it seems like I switch between a personal voice and a teaching one, that tis the reason. ; )
“Hoochie Mama!”
I feel like Billy Joel could write a whole new version of his 1989 hit “We Didn’t Start the Fire” just based on this year alone. It is like we are living in the year that “must not be named”. Lol. I find myself not even wanting to include it in my writing today or say it out loud. Not because it has power, but wow. We have endured endless memes and jokes commiserating over this particular year; and ultimately, they started out funny-ish, but by now many of us are ready to yell, ”UNCLE!!” or for those who recall the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza’s Dad is at the end of his rope and yells out in frustration, “Serenity now!” and then “Hoochie mama!” : )
Masks and elections and ever present children doing distance learning, oh my, right?!!
“52 Card Pick-up”
The uncertainty of recent months has got me thinking back to the “52 Card Pickup” game from childhood. A slightly cruel, older kid would usually ask a younger one if they wanted to play and then just throw the cards all over the ground and say “52 Card Pickup!!” I think we all have the sense that nothing is going to be the same after the metaphorical smoke clears. The cards will be collected and stacked back up in a much different order. Friends and family are moving due to the increase in remote workspaces, businesses are closing, sports and other social groups we were deeply invested in are not meeting, staff is changing within our churches and all over our city’s businesses and institutions. For some, this year’s changes were next level: The death of a loved one or the loss of a job, a livelihood they loved. I know when the kids were sent home from school in March for a few weeks, none of us considered this kind of eventuality.
What is “Normal”?
In a normal holiday season, we may feel some mild disillusionment after presents are opened to contend with. Maybe some family drama that feels extra to us. This year, however, each from our own perspective with which we experienced this rollercoaster, some of us may realize we are pretty much holding together by a thread. Even if we are doing pretty good most days, most of us are starving for friend time, those with littles are starving for alone time, and we are all starving for connection and proximity, starving for something that feels like routine. Dare I say something that feels “normal”?!
Early in the pandemic, people spoke of getting used to our “new normal” and I personally didn’t really know that I wanted to internalize that train of thought. Perhaps I could embrace that this was our normal for now? I find myself letting this quote marinate in my brain:
“Hear this: In the rush to return to normal, use this time to consider which parts of normal are worth rushing back to. If things go back exactly as they were we will have missed the opportunity to take the good from this bad.”
Author and Speaker, Dave Hollis
The Covid Spotlight
In a normal year, many of our lives are insulated by our busyness. Distractions abound forming a barrier between us and the triggers that would threaten to make us crumble. The strained marriage, the tendency to battle anxiety, the parts of parenting that we like the least or feel most insecure about, or maybe it is our depression that can normally be kept at bay. This year, the busy is gone and instead the areas that are angry and inflamed are glaringly apparent and are demanding our attention. The “Covid Spotlight” has surfaced some “ish” for all of us and then some, as we see the people around us each dealing with their own laundry list of issues as well.
I’ve been told by friends who have dealt with debilitating, long-term mental health issues some variation of the sentiment: “It’s like this year the rest of the world is dealing with the reality I know too well.” With most of our distractions gone, stuff just got real this year, didn’t it?! It reminds me of the quote about how adversity doesn’t simply build character, it reveals it. This pandemic has not simply created these issues so much as it has revealed them.
Crossroads
As I share in the About Me section of the R&R homepage, I started this blog after the door shut on a new job I started in March. I genuinely thought that it could be the one I had always hoped to find-combining writing and cooking and encouraging women. It was because the door to this dream closed that I realized it was time to pursue an even bigger one.
Having written for fun for many years on a free Blogger site that I filled with random content that had no memorable style, format or beauty, it was time to step up my game and invest in making the site I’ve always dreamed of. To decide to see where Rhythm & Rubbish went and be ok with not knowing my end game or how exactly I would get there.
Maybe the crossroads you were brought to yielded new possibilities for you too? Maybe you are standing at the crossroads right now wondering what happens next? Maybe your spouse is? I am walking in a new direction, but let me tell you I still don’t know where it is necessarily going. Only that I am meant to walk it out and see.
Turns Out Everyone Has a Point!
Maybe you aren’t joining the rest of the family to gather this year for the holidays and calling the interactions “awkward” since you announced that fact to them is being pretty generous. Maybe you are meeting with family and that has upset friends of yours who think it is a careless choice. This is/was a cannot win year.
I’m going to go out on a limb here because this may not be a popular thing to say with some; but here it goes. Oh my goodness, I am so glad I was not a leader, such as a State Governor or on a school board which had to make impossible decisions this year! Lean this way, risk people’s health and suffer the consequences. Lean that way, risk small businesses shutting their doors, mass layoffs and economic ruin. During this pandemic, crafting what restrictions there should be and when has to be one of the most suckiest of sucky sucky jobs EVER!
Each side of the argument has a legitimate point and valid concern. No matter which way you go with it, there are downsides and you face the venom of a large part of the affected population. I am definitely not painting all government officials as blameless and dripping with perfect wisdom, but wow do I have empathy for them all, even the ones I don’t particularly agree with in many other areas.
Ludicrous Speed, Go!
Speaking of empathy, in times like these, I’m finding that nothing less than extreme empathy will do. If empathy was quantified as a speed, I’m thinking we should be at “Ludicrous” speed. (“They’ve gone to plaid.”)
All Spaceballs jokes aside, it is time to lay down our weaponized words, inflammatory opinion pieces we have been sharing on social media, and overall ways we have sinned against our fellow man. Yep, I am gonna go there for a sec. No political position makes it ok for a person to belittle another person’s experience being a human born a particular race, being born in a particular country or calling someone a name because they don’t see the political issues the way you do. It is not ok and I beg you to cut yourself off from any sources of information that are fanning those flames. Any voice that tells us that there is only one perspective that is always right and one always wrong does not have our best interest at heart.
I implore the Christians reading this to ask themselves how they can best love and serve the people in their lives, especially those who don’t think or vote like them. How can we unconditionally love like Jesus loved the oppressed, the refugee and the poor? He did not sit in an echo chamber, only surrounding himself with people who acted and thought like he did. He did not tell the marginalized that their pain and their needs were illegitimate, made up, or their own fault. I call out Christians, in particular, because I think we should be first in line to allow our hearts to be broken at the injustices that break the heart of Jesus.
If we stop to realize that our views can be very narrowly determined and based on only what we personally have seen happen, we must admit that our perspective is limited and skewed and we will not be able to understand people with different experiences unless we get close enough to hear their story rather than throw stones in our ignorance. Owning that we ALL have blind sides is a humble and holy place to start. As Brene Brown puts it (I just finished reading Braving the Wilderness a second time so it is fresh on my brain): “People are hard to hate close up. Move in.”
Are We Setting Ourselves Up?
I get it. We are ready to be angry with someone. Our worlds have been sideways and it feels good to have someone to blame. It makes sense, but that doesn’t make it a wise choice.
We are more vulnerable right now to believing buckwild crazy conspiracy theories than we would like to admit. Ones that would have been laughable at best just a year ago. But ohhh we are weary. Our moments of feeling burnt out have arrived. Some of us cannot even think of what type of “self-care” it would take to make a measurable difference in shifting our emotional and physical realities right now.
And meanwhile, we watch the same movies with our kids that we always do this season. Movie after movie about the “spirit of Christmas” or the Hallmark/Lifetime style that inevitably talk about the magic of a Christmas miracle. Feeling so mentally and emotionally exhausted, many of us are attempting to set our expectations lower this year so that our holidays don’t feel like a letdown. We try to move into acceptance of what is.
I know how easy it is to feel the pull to a “rejecting reality” mindset in which I refuse to accept that certain situation as it is and instead expend all of my energy wishing and hoping that my family or family interactions will change. When I resist moving into acceptance, it leaves me so much more vulnerable to let my mind stew on the “What if(s)” and “If (only)s”.
We set ourselves up for an inevitable let down when we romanticize the holidays in our minds. Like they will change our situations and shut off the “Covid Spotlight”. It’s much more helpful to try to accept the situation as it is, so that we can do what we can to prepare to handle it. And please listen because this is just as important this Christmas as any other: Friend, you are NOT responsible to meet everyone else’s holiday expectations. Repeat. You are NOT responsible to meet everyone else’s holiday expectations.
All Traumatic, Yet All Very Different
If we are being honest, we are entering this time period feeling wounded. Some of us are mourning the loss of loved ones this year and still more of us mourning loved ones lost in years past that still gets us on that deeper, heart-wrenching level during the holidays.
Some of us are mourning the loss of jobs, the changing of plans we had so eagerly looked forward to (i.e.-My son did not have a graduation ceremony for high school. A close friend of mine was not allowed to attend her 18 year old son’s graduation from Marine Boot Camp, he left in August for the first time and is still not 100% sure when she gets to see him again. Countless weddings, birthdays, anniversaries and baby showers have been postponed or celebrated in a vastly different way than planned.).
We have all had a situation like this come about and have thus all experienced a variety of trauma. I am not blind to acknowledging that there are also some who are still feeling a sense of loss after the recent elections when who they hoped would win didn’t. Extreme empathy. I do not have to agree with or fully understand you to acknowledge your pain. When we acknowledge that our experiences have been vastly different, it is understandable how we would approach many of the current popular discussions from different perspectives.
A friend of mine who lives in one area of the country mainly knows people who have had Covid with mild symptoms and lives in a state where masks have not been required. Another friend lost 2 family members and several friends. This friend lives in a state that has had a mask mandate for months. Is it a wonder we seem to speak different languages on some debates? We have all experienced this pandemic in a different way so it is easy to understand why we come to conversations not getting how a friend or family member is either taking things too seriously or not taking it serious enough.
Moving into Healthier Headspace
What are a few ways we can move towards a healthier headspace this Christmas when we feel a bit beat up and everything still feels off?
Be Generous
For those married, resolve to be a team. Translated for everyone, resolve to be kind to the ones you are closest to (they are often the ones who suffer our attitudinal moments and are taken for granted by us the most)!
As Brene Brown would put it, go out of your way to be generous. Not just in the giving sense; but in as much as we can do so with healthy boundaries in tact, give people the benefit of the doubt.
When your spouse is being a little extra and yet is asking for a favor, choose to do it without sarcasm, grumbling and complaining. Model what you want them to do with your behavior. If there are issues you need to work on, make plans to go to therapy together after the holidays, put a line in the budget to save towards that being a possibility or seek out a counselor at church, if that is an option.
You’ve likely figured this out on your own; but if not, let me put this one out there right now. Men cannot read our minds. True story. Lol. Thus expecting them to know what we need, how we need it and when we need it is not a fair request. We have to be able to verbalize when we are struggling some days or are feeling off. We need help figuring out what plan is best changed or task postponed to make the day more doable. We need to try to communicate these feelings sooner than later so we don’t get to the end of our patience and sanity and spontaneously combust.
One solution that has worked for my husband and I is for him to ask me: “How can I best help you right now?” If he sees me stressed or a little frazzled borderline moving towards meltdown. Even if nothing will help, him asking that is meaningful. I ask him the same thing when I see him stressed or irritable.
Take a Time Out
I also recommend being generous with yourself. You’ve heard it said, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” I would add, “If Mama ain’t taking time outs, everyone suffers.” This needs to be scheduled just as though it was a Doctor or Dental appointment. Yes appt…just as important as little Suzie’s dance class and little Johnny’s soccer games.
You matter. Your mental health matters. You set the tone for the whole family. There will almost always be something you must say no to in order to say yes to carving out this time. Resist the temptation to put yourself last on the list. Resist Mom guilt for this!
Think about it. Be purposeful about scheduling it. It is a 100% intentional endeavor. It will not happen by accident.
And to the sassy people like me thinking how this time out thing will not solve all of your problems or heal all of your wounds, I say that I agree. It won’t, but it will be a moment to come up for air and turns out oxygen is important. In moments like this, we do what we can. Little habits that add up.
For married people, make space for your spouse to do this too with one caveat. When you encourage them to schedule time for self-care, take special care to do this without making them feel guilty for it or throwing out passive aggressive comments about how nice it is that THEY get to have time to do those things.
Chat with God First, Chat With Him Often
Next suggestion, whether it seems like a duh or not: Pray!
Ask God how best to handle this person, crisis, this weight of grief, anxiety or awkward situation you find yourself in. Prayer is not a last resort, no other options left habit. God asks us to seek him first for a reason. It is totally different flow to life when we turn our eyes up instead of freaking out as we look around.
He also encourages us that when we come to him with our stuff, our lives, our details, he isn’t looking for lengthy, wordy prayers that are so not us. The heart of God is moved when we bring the exact version of us that we are that exact day to talk to him about what is on our minds.
There are times it has helped me to visualize him sitting in the passenger’s seat when I’m driving, there are times it has helped to meditate, kneel or lay face down in my closet alone, there are days when I wake up talking to God about what is on my mind that day before my feet hit the floor instead of giving into anxiety, and there are days where I fall asleep thanking him for all the ways I saw him work that day and hand over my worries one by one for him to take at the end of my day, because he never asked me to walk alone or to feel weighed down by worry and fear. Often I will think of my prayers on those days as though I have a super heavy bag full of stones that I need to unpack, acknowledge and hand over to him one by one for him to carry.
Minding the Gap Between Expectations and Reality
It is freeing to have realistic expectations whether your family is meeting or not. As refreshing as it would be if your Mother in Law didn’t criticize your outfit this year, or launch into a story about how her kids always “knew how to behave” at the age your kids are at right now, you know she probably will. Don’t expect people to change when they have behaved in the same way for years. This is where it is important to set boundaries and consider who we choose to spend time with.
Don’t fall prey to Einstein’s definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results. It is wisest to adjust expectations.
You can't expect your narcissistic, little brother that makes everything about him to suddenly become empathetic and kind. This will only end in disappointment. In fact, many of our issues with specific family members can be traced to our own expectations. (This is not speaking of the truly toxic family members that we have to consider whether to include in our lives or holidays at all, but the rest of the extended family.)
As I said earlier, the gap between our expectations and reality is often where we lose our marbles. And as I also said earlier, we are not responsible, nor is it possible, to meet everyone else’s holiday expectations. Again, coming into these environments prayed up is huge. “Prayed up” meaning you have consciously made it a habit to go to God in real time when you are dealing with an issue and also in preparation of coming into an environment, like those during holidays, which could likely mean walking into a host of issues. The Lord can handle our requests for clarity and wisdom, as well as, our cries for our own attitude adjustment, our desire not to react in anger and our prayers for help resolving ongoing messy, relational conflicts.
Compassion Glasses
As I begin to wrap up, this season I challenge you to consider putting on your “compassion glasses.” aka- A tool for Ludicrous speed extreme empathy. Seeing people through a compassionate lens can help you better understand them and be less reactive.
Take, for example, your uncle who tells inappropriate jokes and seldom resists expressing his extreme, cringe-inducing political views. Rather than just labeling him as offensive, have you ever considered why he is the way he is? It's unlikely he's doing it just to annoy you.
Many people with problematic social behaviors at a get-together are doing so out of desperation. They're often worried that no one likes them, so they'll try to control things by talking a lot or by desperately trying to get laughs because they feel so uncomfortable or anxious themselves. Keeping that in mind may help you to opt for a kinder response. Not to excuse it, but to respond in a kinder way. Again, in certain contexts, it is better to be kind than to be right.
Sometimes, as we prepare for the holidays, we have to flip the script where we would be looking toward certain interactions with dread and try focusing our thoughts on the positive. Think about the qualities you like about the family member, rather than focusing on the negative. If you are practicing this, it is possible your stress level won’t be as high when you see them, which will help you be more tolerant and able to tactfully respond to the actions that irritate you.
Where Are You, Christmas?
Last thought in my letter today digs a little deeper into something I already touched on: You may have begun to notice, like I have, that holidays as an adult don’t feel like they used to.
Like…There is this “spirit of Christmas” and “magic of Christmastime” that is talked about in all our favorite Christmas movies and shows. This feeling it creates in us is like…we want this, we want to experience this, we know it is something meaningful to the holiday season.
It becomes more elusive as we become adults and especially as parents. Sometimes we feel it a little watching the kids’ excitement and sometimes we sit staring at the tree empty because all the presents have been opened, the parties have come and gone. There is this internal disconnect some years and almost a letdown that happens.
What is it, we think? Must we resign that Christmas feels are now all about seeing our children’s joy without feeling a deep joy of our own?
As you have probably figured out by now, my tips-they’re just shared suggestions and lessons I have learned and want to share. I dont expect y’all to hear them and think, “You’re blowing my mind, Yoda!”
But hey, let me paint this last picture about how we feel during the holidays as an adult this way:
I would submit to you that these desires, sometimes almost an ache, to feel joy and feel the spirit of Christmas are made of the longing put in us by God. I believe God wants to use this longing we feel at Christmas to draw us to himself. To tether and connect us more intimately to his love. To see all of the world around us as merely shadows of the beauty of Heaven. This longing can only be satisfied as we get closer to this Jesus whose birth we celebrate.
It is not a wonder that this time of year we tend to reflect on our past the most. Think of Christmases in our own younger years, think of when our own kids were little and feel that ache as they are now taller than we are. We feel what is and what will not be again. The people and relationships that are, and those we have lost along the way.
“What if..the achings of this life are the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?”
Singer and Songwriter, Laura Story
So when the presents and the food and the family gatherings are as fun as they can be; yet leave something deep down inside you desiring more, know that that longing was placed there by God. Let it stir your heart and turn your eyes to Heaven. Life in our broken world will always somewhat incomplete joy. This Christmas, could it be that Jesus is inviting us into deeper waters, into a closeness with him-to not only believe in him as we run along doing your own thing, but to truly move into being present, even when it hurts to stay present and aware during these hard times, and realize he is close to the broken-hearted and weary and we can trust him while we are still weathering this storm.
I see every reader as a friend, some I know well and some I just haven’t met yet. I thank you all for giving me the privilege of this time to share with you my thoughts as we say goodbye to this wild year.
Though I have a temptation to leave you with something like the song “Where Are You, Christmas?”; after the year we’ve had, I leave you with this non-Christmasy song instead. Written years ago by a husband to comfort his wife after her Dad passed away, I feel like it translates to the feelings of now very well. Collective feelings of hope, loss, empathy, and a a need to be part of something bigger than ourselves.
Merry Christmas!
With love,
Lexi